Well folks, I am a little bit under the weather with a cold. I am more annoyed than anything about it. I hate colds, they are so pointless. When I am sick, however, I turn back into a 10 year old.
When I was little and I was home sick from school, my mom and dad would make a tent for me with a card table and a blanket, putting pillows inside and a vaporizer as well. The tent would park right in front of the TV, and the TV would be turned to TBS, usually. Back in those days (80's) TBS played some of the trashiest old horror flicks during their day time programming. I remember watching Attack of the Crab Monsters, The Unseen, Mausoleum, Motel Hell,Billy the Kid Vs. Dracula, and Bug to name a few that stick out in my memory on these sick days. Bug's tag line is especially catchy and to the point...
"They Look Like Rocks...Possess A High Intelligence...Have No Eyes...And Eat Ashes...They Travel In Your Car Exhaust...They Make Fire...They Kill!"
Well, I didn't watch Bug today, but I paid a visit to some of my other all time stinkers.
On the bill today:
Chopping Mall
and Flesh Eater, (look at her hair!)
Both of which have been previously covered on this very website.
Any movie that has lines like these:
Woman: How's come you never kiss me like that? {looking at another couple making out}
Man: Maybe if you had tits like her, I would!
Woman: Go straight to hell!
Yes lines like that delivered by people who look like this:
that is worth its weight in gold to me.
Next on the bill:
Martin
Martin is about a modern day vampire, or is it? The movie opens with a suspenseful scene of a youngish man sneaking into a lady's cabin on an overnight train ride. You see him sneak in while she is in the shower. He hides and waits until the moment is right for him to spring out at her. But does he bite her? No. He is not a vampire in that kind of way. He injects her with a sedative, then cuts her with a razor, and drinks from her while she is asleep.
One is never sure if he is truly a vampire, or is just crazy. The movie evokes a sad feeling of extreme loneliness throughout. There is scene where he breaks into this woman's house that he has been watching. He thinks that she is supposed to be alone, and when he breaks into her bedroom, he sees another man there. He has to think quickly so he stabs the man with some of the syringe made for her and quickly runs out. He hides in the den as the couple frantically fuss with the phone trying to call the police, but Martin is crouched in the dark, holding the phone in the den and punching in random numbers as she tries to dial, not allowing the call to go through. He finally gets another shot (so to speak) at getting the man with the syringe again, and soon is upon the woman again in a stressful sequence of running and slamming doors behind him, he seems to have the house mapped out, trapping the woman in the web of her own home. It is an incredible sequence.
There are also supposed flashback sequences shot in black and white, indicating that Martin has truly been alive for hundreds of years, although we are never sure if it is in his head or true. The movie if framed with the device of a radio talk show host, presumably late at night interviewing Martin, who calls in late at night after he has finished a feeding. The radio host thinks that the guy is a nut and takes the calls as a goof, but you can tell that Martin is using the calls as therapy. They occur throughout the film. Actually, this film should not be under my favorite "Bad" movies, but simply my favorite movies, as it is a truly great film, made by the masterful George Romero. I think why it is so scary is the whole element of home invasion. That is just one of the most terrifying things to even think about.
On to the next movie, which is definitely a stinker.
Children of the Living Dead
I from time to time watch bits of this because it cannot be watched in its entirety. Your head will explode. I'm not kidding. It is just that bad.
The plot concerns a "spooky story" about a local criminal named "Abbot Hayes". Abbot's mother dressed him as a girl as he was growing up, torturing him mentally, which led to him killing his mother, then doing the same to countless women. He was caught and sent to jail, where he was murdered in prison. (Big shock).
Then, well gosh darn it all, every now and again in this little area of Pennsylvania, dead things come back to life. "It's been happening since '68" a character says, alluding to the year that "Night of the Living Dead" came out. Not that this movie is even fit to be mentioned in the same sentence as Night, however.
Abbot Hayes comes back, and seems to have some sort of magical powers. He also seems to have put on a troll mask and gloves, because his hands and head are larger than they were when he was alive...oh whoops! That is supposed to be what he looks like as a zombie. wow. nice costume. He nances about the forest of the town, and I do mean he nances, remember: his momma dressed him as a girl. Is that? Yes I do believe that it is lipstick that Abbot wears!
Some of the line readings in this movie make my teeth hurt.
Horrible cliche lines like, "Of all the places in all the world my dad could have picked to build his dealership, he picked the one right down the street from Walking Dead Central." are delivered by horrible actors.
This is just a tortuous movie, but worth watching in little installments. It is good for a giggle if nothing else at Abbot Hayes, the super zombie cross dresser.
Here's a horrible clip.
Well, that's all I have time for today. I think I'm gonna go take more vitamins and crap. Take care of yourselves!
luv, SGS
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