Sunday, August 21, 2005

My Favorite Bad Movies: Flesh Eater and Chopping Mall

"A Halloween hayride becomes an invitation to terror as a group of teens out for fun, one by one fall victim to zombies. Even though the creatures are hunted down by the authorities, their total destruction is by no means assured. Bill Hinzman, from George Romero's horror classic NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, directed and stars in the film." -

"A group of teenagers that work at the mall all get together for a late night party in one of the stores. When the mall accidently goes on lock down before they can get out, The robot security system activates after a malfunction and goes on a killing spree. One by one the three bots try to rid the mall of the "Intruders". The only weapons the kids can use are the supplies in other stores. Or...if they can make it till morning when the mall opens back up"-

"It's not you Bernie. I guess I'm just not used to being chased around a mall at night by killer robots. "

Oh my friends. These are stinkers.
This will be an on-going entry to this blog. I will post my favorite stinkers of all time at least once a week. Probably more, lord knows I have SO many.
You see. I have this addiction. I love train wrecks. I like to watch car wrecks long after people turn their heads. I fully identify with John Water's stories of going to the junk yard when he was a boy, just to play "car accident".

To translate into terms of movies, I love these flicks because you just know their creators thought they really had it this time. Maybe they did.
Both films ooze with the trappings of many 80's "Let's Kill Some Teenager" flicks:
-The teenage party- which usually involves taking some beer and a boom box out to the middle of no where. The girls dance, the boys drink and talk tit. One of the girls, while dancing, usually flashes some boobs. Which brings me to the next archetype:
-The Slut- Always the first to show tit. The hair is the most boofed do' in the cast. Has tendency to talk slower.
-boobies Galore- After the first one shows, they all end up coming out, except for...
-The Virgin- who is the only character to survive, since she has not had sex, but probably soon after will, and most likely with...
-The Nice Guy-who doesn't talk as crass as the other boys, not even when he has run ins with...
-The "You Crazy Kids" Guy- who chides the gang along the way with adages before he himself meets his doom first. e.g.-"You kids stay away from that forest, you hear?"

These and more thrive throughout both of these stellar films. Watching them warms my black heart on days when I'm feeling low. If you have a penchant for a good ol' stinker-film every now and then, then please remember these. You will not be disappointed...
Oh, and PS...2 treats to look for in both...

Flesh Eater- I am very partial to the slut girl in this film. Such impressive acting. No, I'm kidding. Also, look for the phone receptionist girl. Her line readings make me giggle outloud.
Chopping Mall- The slut in this film is pretty awful too...and her nipples are enormous. Just freaky. I feel like they stare at me and follow me when I walk away...Chilling. ShowTime has been airing this stink-bomb lately. I have NO idea why, but I'm grateful. Check your listings.
See you next time in Stinksville.

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