Monday, June 30, 2008
29 and holding...5 more days.
In 5 days, I turn 30. 30. Three Zero.
I think I spoke aloud words similar to those this past Fall at Metro Stage.
I didn't really think that I would be that pressed about it when the time actually came.
Strangely, I was wrong.
I don't know why I am having a hard time with this, but I really am. When people ask why, I frequently say that it is because I play a lot of 10 year old roles. It is partly that. It is also partly that I start to think about all the roles that I would love to play that suddenly people will think that I am too long in the tooth for.
And yet, It's still not even that.
It is all the things that I have not done by 30. Things that other friends have done. It is many things, and multifaceted.
I can't put all of them on this page. But they are indeed alive in my mind.
I look at this photo and think - wow - it's been a long road from there. If I knew then what I know now.
I know that I will be fine and this will pass and it really isn't a big deal and blah,blah,blah everything that people might say to make me feel less neurotic about it. But I also know that every single human has a different journey, and mine has made me feel this way about it.
Maybe I feel insecure and bad about turning this age because I don't feel secure in my finances, career, and all of the "adult world" things that really DO matter. And here I am (clearly already an adult,but really entering the 30 something decade) about to enter a decade where one hopes that one's shit is together by.
Guess what? My shit's not together. I freely admit that.
I guess that is also why this is all so hard. Money has been so tight this past year that I have started to have literal dreams of going back to school to get a degree in Meteorology and becoming a TV Weather Man. Nothing would make me happier.
If only I could afford to go to school.
Anyways, I guess I am just uncertain about much of my future, like everyone else, and instead of people saying "It's not a big deal", I guess I would prefer someone not saying anything.
It's easy for most in retrospect to analyze when they turned 30 and say it was easy. Whenever I talk to my fellow( not for long) 20 somethings, they get wide eyed and talk apprehensively.
30 is when the party is over, and it is game time if you are seriously trying make something of your life. At least that is how I see it.
Which may be wrong. I don't know.
It is just where I am tonight.
As I sit alone in my house and make candles.
Candles that will ironically be my birthday candles.
Sorry if this is maudlin, but - actually, no I am not sorry if it is maudlin.
I have a right to my feelings, and just an equal right to say to you all next week that "It's no big deal."
I reserve that right now, just as all of you have done in the past and will do in the future.
But for now, at 5 days and holding...not really sure what I am going to reserve.
That's all from 4431 Neurotica Blvd,