Monday, June 30, 2008

29 and holding...5 more days.


In 5 days, I turn 30. 30. Three Zero.
I think I spoke aloud words similar to those this past Fall at Metro Stage.
I didn't really think that I would be that pressed about it when the time actually came.
Strangely, I was wrong.
I don't know why I am having a hard time with this, but I really am. When people ask why, I frequently say that it is because I play a lot of 10 year old roles. It is partly that. It is also partly that I start to think about all the roles that I would love to play that suddenly people will think that I am too long in the tooth for.
And yet, It's still not even that.
It is all the things that I have not done by 30. Things that other friends have done. It is many things, and multifaceted.
I can't put all of them on this page. But they are indeed alive in my mind.
Constantly.

I look at this photo and think - wow - it's been a long road from there. If I knew then what I know now.
I know that I will be fine and this will pass and it really isn't a big deal and blah,blah,blah everything that people might say to make me feel less neurotic about it. But I also know that every single human has a different journey, and mine has made me feel this way about it.
Maybe I feel insecure and bad about turning this age because I don't feel secure in my finances, career, and all of the "adult world" things that really DO matter. And here I am (clearly already an adult,but really entering the 30 something decade) about to enter a decade where one hopes that one's shit is together by.
Guess what? My shit's not together. I freely admit that.
I guess that is also why this is all so hard. Money has been so tight this past year that I have started to have literal dreams of going back to school to get a degree in Meteorology and becoming a TV Weather Man. Nothing would make me happier.
If only I could afford to go to school.
Anyways, I guess I am just uncertain about much of my future, like everyone else, and instead of people saying "It's not a big deal", I guess I would prefer someone not saying anything.
It's easy for most in retrospect to analyze when they turned 30 and say it was easy. Whenever I talk to my fellow( not for long) 20 somethings, they get wide eyed and talk apprehensively.
30 is when the party is over, and it is game time if you are seriously trying make something of your life. At least that is how I see it.
Which may be wrong. I don't know.
It is just where I am tonight.
As I sit alone in my house and make candles.
Candles that will ironically be my birthday candles.
Sorry if this is maudlin, but - actually, no I am not sorry if it is maudlin.
I have a right to my feelings, and just an equal right to say to you all next week that "It's no big deal."
I reserve that right now, just as all of you have done in the past and will do in the future.


But for now, at 5 days and holding...not really sure what I am going to reserve.
That's all from 4431 Neurotica Blvd,
Luv,
SGS

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

SGS, one night you will go to bed with the number 29 clinging to you. The next morning you will wake up with a mew number 30. Are you a different person? Naaaaaah! Life is a continuum. Who came up with the bright idea of dividing it into years?

I doubt very much that there is a single human on this earth who thinks he/she has his/her "shit together." The sooner you realize that "not having your shit together" is a perfectly and universal state of mind, the happier you will be.

Brandon said...

Remember "30 is great. 30 is like Newark Airport hard to get to, but fewer delays." Bullshit it still just as long for everything. As Anonymous said who really has thier shit together I don't think I do. I do think everyone is entitled to a freak out every 10 years help deal with the mile stone they have crossed, and to help make new goals for them to attain. So make a list of the things you want to do and find ways of doing them. So when you hit the big 40 you might freak out less or make a new list.

STEPHEN GREGORY SMITH said...

Thanks, guys.
Yeah. I hear what you are saying.
I know it's all ridiculous.
My feelings for this subject are like a bowl of fish hooks. I can't just pull out one, they all come out entangled together.
But thanks for the thoughts.
Really, after my second beer on Saturday night. I'm sure I won't give a shit anymore. :)

Brandon said...

You should go out and but a 3 belts. Apperently it's a good feeling, so I've heard.

Anthony said...

I say welcome to the club and let's start taking out all the 20-somethings! And they do say that 30 is the new 20. Personally, I'm like bring on 45, but that's for many other reasons. I say embrace it and plunge ahead. I love Brandon's statement, because it is so true. Newark is a pain in the ass to get to, but there are so many more opportunities and options available there. So as the the calendar turns on Saturday, just enjoy a scoop of Chunky Monkey and a six pack of Amber Waves and barrel ahead! Happy Birthday, buddy.