I have been dealing with a LOT of shit. Literally.
I usually throw away dog-walking spoils in communal trash cans located on most corners in Arlington. This new route that I am doing, however, is in Del Ray, and there seems to be a lack of curbside trash receptacles...so what do I do? I can't light the bags on fire and place them on doorsteps...Halloween is long since past...
A trick I picked up from my boss, who slips the bag of pooey under her windshield wiper like so...
Sure. Fine. It works.
Long story short, NO trash cans were in sight for the first 6 walks, and two of my dogs had multiple poops.
I kept loading the turd bags onto my windshield, and when I was driving away from Del Ray into the more trash-friendly Arlington city limits, I was sporting about 8-9 bags of shit proudly on my windshield.
It was mortifying.
Stop-lights were the worst. I would get double-take after double-take. Flies started swarming at prolonged red lights. Hideous.
I was so embarrassed that I pulled into my native fascist Fairlington community (where the houses all look identical), where there are trash cans every 200 feet.
I pulled up to the first one, and unloaded 8-9 bags of recycled Purina by-product into the rubbish. The jogger coming up the path switched to the other side of the sidewalk. I didn't blame her. I wanted to scream to her, "NO! These aren't body parts carved up into small pieces that I am emptying into a random trash can!", but thought that it might cause further suspicion.
Only after I evacuated my stinky windshield, I noticed a small sign that said, "NO DUMPING".
Way too late for that, I'm afraid.
3 comments:
Sung to the tune of "3 Coins in the Fountain":
"Eight turds on a Windshield
Each exuding smelliness
Pooped by six happy doggies
Leavin' Stephen with the mess..."
Someone else pick it up from here.
"Eight turds on a Winshield
wrapped in bright blue baggies all
Hope he doesn't nudge the wipers
Or the turds will cover all
Ooo-Ooo-Ooo
Where the hell is the trash?
Where the hell is the trash?
Eight turds on a Winshield..."
Take it someone!
Eight turds on a winshield
Through the baggies how they smell
All eight turds will be emptied
(Ooo- ooo- ooo- where?)
Finding a trash can would be swell!
Neighbor A: Dont use mine!
Neighbor B: Dont use mine!
Both Neighbors: Dont use mine!
SGS (Spoken): I walk dogs. And if you've read my blog you'll see that I walk a lot of dogs! But due to the horid fumes from all of this dog shit and all the beer I drink in conjunction with being in musical theatre, my friends and I have decided to turn this adventure into a musical number. Uh-oh, I'm running out of room to type. Anyway, I'm Stephen.
Dog A: I'm Buddha
SGS: He's my pug!
Neighbor A: I'm Donna
Neighbor B: and I'm Jess
SGS: His real name is Jessica!!
Neighbor B: No its not!
SGS: Shut up! you're killing the joke! Anyway, we've been typing way too much to ask the musical question,
ALL FOUR (sung):
Where the he-ll is the trash?
Where the he-ll is the trash?
Eight turds on a winshield
Through the bagg-- ies how they smell
(thats all I've got tonight... just felt like as a Plaid I should do my part... though my part might deserve to be in a baggie :) )
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